I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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