i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
