and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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