Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
