Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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