i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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