This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ketchup is God's man juice
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize