WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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