I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
