"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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