Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize