And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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