I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
