Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
