cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
