Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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