i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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