And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
