There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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