you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
