The maid of honor just puked.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
