your parents love me but you hate me
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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