Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
