Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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