You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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