I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
