just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just pee around me
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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