I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
