Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I am midnight drunk by noon
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
