I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize