What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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