Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize