I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
