i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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