i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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