Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
