So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
