Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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