Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
