How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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