No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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