the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
