he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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