if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
