today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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