She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Randomize
