I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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