It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
