Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
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