I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
