My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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