I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
