but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
