Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
