you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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