I met the friendliest cop last night
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have fence marks all over my body
If I die, sorry about rent.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
