pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
