the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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