I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
