i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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