does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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