God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
